Exercises to strengthen the couple
Love doesn't keep itself: it's tended with small, repeated gestures. These exercises come from John Gottman's research, Sue Johnson's EFT therapy and Esther Perel's work on desire. You don't need to do them all: pick one or two and turn them into a habit.
These exercises are for relationships that are cared for, not to repair abuse. If there's control, fear or violence, no couple exercise fixes it: seek specialised help (use your local abuse helpline).
To connect every day
Closeness is built with micro-moments, not big gestures now and then.
1. The 6-second reunion
When you part and reunite, a hug or kiss of at least 6 seconds. It sounds silly, but a contact that lasts activates calm and says «I'm glad it's you».
2. The venting conversation (no fixing)
Each day, a few minutes to tell each other the day's stress. The key rule: listen and validate, don't give solutions or talk about your relationship. Just be there.
3. Tend to bids for connection
When your partner comments on something («look at this bird»), it's an invitation to connect. Turning toward them —even for a second— adds. Ignoring it subtracts. Gottman calls these «bids».
To communicate better
1. The weekly check-in
Once a week, 20-30 min to talk about the relationship calmly: what went well, what you need, what to adjust. Away from the heat of an argument, everything is said better.
2. Start softly
Open hard topics without attack: «I felt…» instead of «you always…». How a conversation starts predicts how it ends.
3. Three appreciations a day
Say out loud three things you appreciate about your partner each day. Gottman found that happy couples keep about 5 positive interactions for every negative one.
4. Repair early
Have an agreed repair phrase («stop, I don't want to fight you, I want to understand you»). Braking in time keeps a spark from becoming a fire.
For deep bonding and desire
1. Update your «love maps»
Ask each other things: dreams, fears, what's worrying them now, what would delight them. Knowing the other's inner world —and that it changes— is the basis of intimacy.
2. The «hold me tight» conversation
From EFT therapy: speak from fear and need («when you shut down, I fear I don't matter to you»), not from reproach. Show the wound, not the attack.
3. Tend to desire with space and novelty
Esther Perel reminds us that desire needs some distance and mystery, not just closeness. Seeing your partner shine at their own thing, trying new things together and each keeping your own world keep the spark alive.
4. A screen-free reconnection ritual
A fixed slot each week just for the two of you, no phones: a walk, cooking, a date. Full attention is the scarcest gift and the one that bonds most.
Keep exploring
Frequently asked questions
How often should these exercises be done?+
Better a little and consistent than a lot now and then. Pick one daily (the 6-second reunion or the appreciations) and one weekly (the check-in). Repetition is what builds the habit.
What if my partner doesn't want to do them?+
Start with the ones that depend only on you (tending to their bids, starting softly, appreciating). Often, caring for the climate invites the other to join in without needing to be convinced.