When control is an illusion
Dear reader, if you're here reading these words, it may be out of simple curiosity or because you're in a situation that's switching you off. The most important thing I can tell you is: it's okay, you're not alone and I want you to feel accompanied.
At one point in my life I felt I was losing control, that nothing was in my hands anymore. I had no strength to act, I doubted whether the right thing was to close a chapter or whether I should try harder to fix the problems. That exhausted me even more, and on top of it, seeing that I was completely alone in the boat and that what I thought was keeping me company was simply an illusion.
I was sailing through rapids where you keep seeing rocks getting closer and dodging them by a hair. That was the feeling I had: seeing rocks approaching, hitting my boat, rowing as best I could, trying to plug all the holes that kept opening and watching the boat sink without being able to do anything… and not even having the strength to get out of the boat and start swimming. It's that feeling of having no control over absolutely anything in your life.
The uncertainty that embraces you
But that, which translates into constant anxiety you can't shake off with smoking or pills, where you struggle to sleep and wake up in the middle of the night with your heart pounding, where you're afraid to make any decision and you know no one can make it for you, where your friends can tell you a thousand things and yet you still have no strength to do anything…
It's the moment when uncertainty embraces you without letting go and you've already lost any way to escape… It's at that moment that you have to decide to let go, to control nothing, to put yourself in the hands of life, of the Universe, of God, of your inner self, of your life force, of your soul… Of everything that exists and that you have and that right now you can't see.
The rescue command: Putting myself in their hands
I'll tell you what I did and have done more than once when I've completely lost control. I say:
«Universe, God, I put myself in your hands. I know that you know what needs to be done and right now I have no strength left. I need you to help me get out of this situation and to make things easy so that this happens. I have no strength, I don't feel capable, I can't do it, right now I don't have this ability, therefore, you who are the strength, the one who has always helped me and always been by my side, I ask you from the deepest part of my heart and with all my love, to do what you have to do. You already know that I always choose your path whether I like it or not, and I want to serve you here on Earth and be part of you. You know what my path and my purpose are, I let myself be guided by you. Thank you.»
As you can see it's a wild thing, but always, and when I say always, it has worked for me. Dear person reading this, I just want you to know that I'd love to hug you right now.
How to know if you're really in this Phase 0?
If you felt reflected in what I told you before, it's very likely your control panel is sending you alert signals you can no longer ignore. It's not that you're broken, it's that your system is warning you that the boat can't take any more.
Here are the most common system errors I felt at this stage:
- Total saturation: You have so many «tabs» open in your mind (problems, fears, doubts about whether to go on or not…) that you can't even make a simple decision. Your processor is at 100% and it doesn't move forward.
- You wake up with no battery: No matter how many hours you sleep. You wake up tired, as if you hadn't charged any energy during the night. The exhaustion is mental and physical.
- Alarm sensor going off at everything: Any little thing —a message, a plate that breaks or a silly comment— provokes a disproportionate reaction in you. You're constantly «on guard».
- Frozen mode: You know you have to jump off the boat, but your body doesn't respond. You're paralysed. And I want you to know it's not laziness, it's simply that your system has gone into defence mode because it can't take any more.
The goal of this phase isn't for you to try to fix the boat one more time. The goal is for you to accept that it's sinking, to stop fighting against the impossible so you can start swimming towards Phase 1.