Why making friends as an adult is so hard (and what science says)
A recent academic review (Krems & Kaufman, 2026) calls it "the most overlooked public health asset". It's not laziness or bad luck: there are concrete, named factors — moving, parenthood, the simple passage of time — that explain why it gets so much harder past a certain age, and what to do about it.
⚠️ This is informational content, not clinical guidance. If the difficulty connecting comes with deep sadness or isolation you can't manage alone, talk to a professional.
💙 And upfront: if your circle of friends has shrunk over the years, that's not a sign you're doing something wrong. It's, statistically, the most normal thing in the world — and that's exactly why it can be worked on with method, not just luck.
What the research says
It's not just a feeling: here's what real research finds about adult friendship, with verified sources.
Friendship is an undervalued public health asset
Krems and Kaufman (2026, Policy Insights from the Behavioral and Brain Sciences) review the evidence on friendship's benefits for physical/mental health, longevity and even economic mobility — and conclude it's the most overlooked well-being asset compared with other relationships (partner, family).
Contact follows a 3-phase pattern across life
Augustsson and colleagues (2025, Archives of Gerontology and Geriatrics) analysed data from ages 15 to 97 (1968-2021): frequent contact with friends declines from early adulthood, plateaus in midlife, and declines again in old age — and younger cohorts report more contact than earlier ones did at the same age.
Moving changes your own friend-making style
Oishi and Tsang (2022, Journal of Consumer Psychology) show that residential mobility shifts relational style toward broader but lower-commitment networks, with more associated anxiety and loneliness — a stronger effect if mobility was frequent in childhood.
Having children reorganises the network toward neighbours, not friends
Rözer, Poortman and Mollenhorst (2017, Demographic Research) found, using panel data, that having children increases contact with neighbours and reduces contact with friends — and the earlier in life children arrive, the harder that friend contact is to maintain.
It's not just lack of time: there are named factors
Moving city doesn't just distance you physically from your friends: according to Oishi and Tsang (2022), it shifts your own friend-making style toward broader but lower-commitment networks, and is linked to more anxiety and loneliness — especially if you moved a lot as a child. An earlier study (Lun, Roth, Oishi & Kesebir, 2013) explains why: those who moved a lot as kids tend to compartmentalise friendships (one group per activity) instead of having a single group that covers everything — so rebuilding after an adult move costs more than it looks like, because the underlying pattern was already set earlier.
And parenthood has a measurable, specific effect: Rözer, Poortman and Mollenhorst (2017) found, using panel data, that having children increases contact with neighbours but reduces contact with friends — and the earlier in life children arrive, the harder that contact is to maintain. It's not that you stop caring about your friends: it's that the network reorganises around whoever is physically closest.
The honest metaphor
Making friends as an adult is a zero-downtime migration: you can't just switch off your old social network and switch on a new one. You have to keep both running at once, a little each week, until the new one has enough real traffic of its own.
A quick guide for your situation
The two factors that weigh most according to the research are moving and having children — a few concrete questions for each.
📦 If you moved recently
What we know
The network doesn't rebuild itself with time alone: research shows mobility shifts your style toward broader but shallower connections, so you need to deliberately choose who to go deeper with.
A question for you
"Of the new people you've met here, who could you take one step past "hello" with this week?"
👶 If you've just become a parent
What we know
Research confirms it isn't you drifting away "for no reason" from your friends: the network reorganises around who's physically close, and it's harder the earlier the children arrived.
A question for you
"Is there a friend without kids you could keep in touch with in a different format (shorter, more flexible) instead of letting it drop entirely?"
What to actually do this week
None of this creates a lifelong friendship in a day. But these are the moves the research backs the most — and where you can start today inside EmotionsDev.
Reactivate a weak tie before looking for a new one
Before looking for a totally new friend, message someone you already know but rarely talk to. It's easier to deepen a bond that already exists, even a weak one, than to create one from scratch.
Compartmentalise on purpose, don't look for one group for everything
According to Lun, Roth, Oishi and Kesebir, looking for one group that covers everything — like before you moved — can be less realistic than having different friendships for different activities. It's a valid pattern, not a consolation prize.
Frequently asked questions
Why does it get so much harder after 25-30?+
Because the structures that used to create friendship effortlessly (class, shared housing) disappear, and that's usually when moves, work and children arrive — the same factors research identifies as most reducing contact with friends.
Does moving ruin my friendships forever?+
Not necessarily — but it does shift your relational style toward broader, shallower networks, according to the research. Being aware of that pattern lets you choose to deepen on purpose, instead of letting it just happen.
Does having kids mean losing my friends forever?+
No. Rözer and colleagues' study measures reduced contact, not a definitive break — and the effect is strongest when children are young and logistics are hardest. Keeping in touch in a shorter, more flexible format during that stage is realistic and backed by the data.
What can I do today?+
Message someone you rarely talk to but would like to reconnect with — not to meet up right away, just to open the door again. It's the move the research backs most before looking for totally new friendships.
Keep going
Adult friendship shares a lot of ground with other connection topics we already explore.
Sources
Everything cited above, with a direct link.
- Krems & Kaufman (2026) — Friendship: The Most Overlooked Public Health Asset (Policy Insights from the Behavioral and Brain Sciences)
- Augustsson et al. (2025) — Friends and trends: Friendship across life phases and cohorts (Archives of Gerontology and Geriatrics)
- Oishi & Tsang (2022) — The socio-ecological psychology of residential mobility (Journal of Consumer Psychology)
- Lun, Roth, Oishi & Kesebir (2013) — Residential Mobility, Social Support Concerns, and Friendship Strategy (Social Psychological and Personality Science)
- Rözer, Poortman & Mollenhorst (2017) — The timing of parenthood and its effect on social contact and support (Demographic Research)